A therapist's favourite books on this topic, and why.
I once heard that the actual work of therapy happens between sessions.
We all intuitively know that spending 50 (or even 100) minutes in session per week is a drop in the bucket compared to what we do with the rest of our time.
So, how can we accelerate our progress? While of course I am a huge proponent of receiving therapy, and a bit biased, reading/listening/learning material from a variety of relationship experts is necessary (in my opinion) to create lasting change.
We don't know what we don't know. A massive component of this work is uncovering our blind spots and developing new ways of responding that make our lives more wonderful.
I want to note -I do not profit off of these recommendations -these are simply books that I found to be of high quality. Though this is hardly an exhaustive list, and the word best is hardly fair, I hope you find them as insight provoking as I do. *And, if there are any books you think are "must reads" that I have glaringly omitted, please let me know. I am ever on the lookout for my next read! :)
If you are a client of mine, I have a FREE TOOLS pdf that includes activities from the books mentioned for you to try.
Click the link above to be taken to the contact me page and let me know you'd like it! For non-clients, there is a 5 dollar minimum -100% of proceeds will be donated to Pearl Space.
Before getting to the list, I also want to acknowledge that these resources mainly focus on heteronormative and monogamous relationships. One reason is that open, trans, and gender fluid relationships are less prevalent in populations, making them harder to research (e.g., it's harder to get enough participants in studies to gain meaningful data). At the same time, relationship therapy has evolved immensely thanks to feminist and queer perspectives, and the experts listed below reflect this perspective in their work.
'Best' Couples' Therapy Book List:
We Do (or Wired for Love, Relationship RX, Your Brain on Love) - Stan Tatkin
I love how approachable Stan Tatkin makes attachment styles and the way he emphasizes learning how to work with one another's attachments. I appreciate this because, in most cases, we will need to live with one another's attachment styles before we can shift to become more "secure" individually and in our relationships. I find that with other attachment focused books, they emphasize what attachment styles are, rather than offer strategies and tools to shift us towards healthier ones. One caveat is that We Do is written to an audience considering marriage - but it is easy to ignore that verbiage if you are already married or in a committed relationship - and are looking to strengthen it.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman and Nan Silver
This book outlines numerous studies in which couples were observed in what is referred to as "the love lab" - a seemingly normal apartment where couples could spend time in a natural habitat (except they were being watched... and having blood samples taken, etc. etc. I love that people signed up for this). Based on the studies from the "love lab," they found that there were key reasons couples failed or thrived. Reading this book in my 20s, while also in a relationship that was floundering, I found myself thinking, yeah... duh - just be nice... but why can't we do this? What I needed at the time was to understand more about attachment theory, boundaries, and how childhood dynamics affect relational understanding. However, reading it again in my 30s, I realize now how many of the concepts are foundational to my wonderful marriage now. I believe that reading this book helped me know what to look for in a reciprocal relationship, as well as what to develop in myself. For instance, I learned what "bids for connection are", to notice camouflaged "repair attempts", to avoid "the four horsemen of the apocalypse" and so on. There's a reason it's a NY Times bestseller, but there are holes and I find this book to address top-of-the-iceberg type stuff. For example, you may learn that stonewalling is a problem... but WHY are you stonewalling -that's where this book falls short for me.
Hold Me Tight - Sue Johnson
On this book, Dr. John Gottman wrote, "I couldn't pick a smarter, warmer, and more real guide for this journey;"coming from him, one of the world's foremost relational expert, that's high praise! Sue Johnson turns a lot of "dos and don'ts" on their heads and brings it all back to our emotional focus. She highlights our constant subconscious concern with one another: "where are you where are you where are you." We cannot communicate if we feel the other is not engaged with us. She expresses that much of failed communication patterns -coined "Demon Dialogues" are really about attempting to figure out "where are you"-do you see me? Are you present? Do you get me? And so on. Sadly, Dr. Sue Johnson passed away earlier this year, but she left us with epically important couples and relationship work. She was a guest on several podcasts, I recommend checking her out (she is a total spitfire and thrill to listen to), and believe her work will certainly enrich your understanding of relationships.
Attached - Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
This book is, more or less, the go-to book for attachments. As such, it must be mentioned! There's a quiz inside and numerous examples of couples you will see yourself in. We really do need to rinse and repeat with the attachment stuff to get it, I think. Worthwhile read.
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg
This is one of my favorite books in general. I have read it more than 4 times (because Lord knows I needed to), and I will read it again! I did not emerge from the womb knowing healthy communication practices, and in fact, the opposite was often modelled to me. I also highly recommend this book if you have adolescents or work with them. Defiant teens can be especially challenging, but this book teaches us to circumnavigate how others speak and feel empowered to respond meaningfully -regardless of how we are spoken to.
8 Dates - Dr. John and Julie Gottman
The idea with this book is that each chapter is a literal date to addresses a variety of foundational relationship topics. Sheeplishly I admit that my husband and I started this book before we got married, and are still working our way through, but have thoroughly enjoyed it so far! We really need to circle back. Similarly to We Do, it's a bit more targeted towards those considering a commitment to one another. At the same time, we appreciate how extremely thorough the dates are and have benefited from the conversations it starts.
Fierce Intimacy - Terry Real
This is my most recent read -thanks to a client mentioning his books! I found myself cruising through this book, it's an easy read and full of insight. What stuck with me most is his relationship grid. He explains what this is in the linked video (around 4 min in), but it does not do it justice compared to the book! This book helped me identify blindspots and enhanced my ability to navigate conflict. I will be looking into his other books!
Mating in Captivity + State of Affairs - Esther Perel
I read this book in my early 20s, fully single - not in a long-term relationship (which is the audience for whom this book is written), yet I was blown away by the safety/excitement paradox she presents as I had never considered this simple but important concept. For example, we need to feel safe enough with someone to function, grow, rely on on, and so on. However, as we feel safer, excitement and novelty decrease, which tends to be problematic for arousal and desire. So how do we maintain mystery while achieving safety? Mating in Captivity explores how to respect the tension between these needs in long-term relationships to maintain desire and connection. Her book State of Affairs is also excellent and illuminating if you have ever experienced/created infidelity.
We need to interweave concepts from these experts - with extreme amounts of patience for ourselves and others.
Our nervous systems have received a literal lifetime of encoding, so it takes time to shift our ways of being with one another and that's not only okay, but expected. You are worthy of love right now, and you are full of love to give right now. Aim for 1% better each day, and you will see those efforts add up.
One last caveat. If you are in relationship that anyone could objectively define as abusive, please find help in leaving the relationship. None of the books here will help you work on this, because a person who is abusive has proven they do not have clear boundaries. A foundation of mutual respect and trust is needed, at minimum, to be in a loving relationship.
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